The Blog In The High Castle

My Apocalypse Team: Rocky Mountain Rambo Gary Brooks Faulkner

Posted in My Apocalypse Team, The Real World, The World Is Effed by CMO on Friday, June 18

I’m starting a new column on the Blog In The High Castle (BITHC) called My Apocalypse Team.

A couple friends, my brother and I have loose agreement if society collapses and we are left to fend for ourselves, a lá Mad Max, we’ll meet at a predetermined rural location and form a little group and set off together to survive. We’ve chosen each other because we think we each possess a trait that will be useful to surviving in a feudal, lawless, wasteland once known as North America, and maybe Asia, via the Arctic ice bridge.

An A Team. Where the A stands for Apocalypse. So far, we’ve got a doctor, a weapons specialist, a captain, and me.  I’m the Wildcard: Scams? Yes. Disguises? Hell Yes. Popsicle stick knives? 25 years experience. Making light of horrendous situations? Especially.

I can also kill. But ONLY if I had to. Then I’d throw up, and swear to never do it again. Until I had to do it again.

Anyway, the point is… I have decided to write a column where I highlight people I would accept onto my Apocalypse Team. People who may or may not have katana training, but who have  the unmeasurables, the intangibles, giving them the ability to thrive in the surreal hell world it would be.

My first inductee is Rocky Mountain Rambo Gary Brooks Faulkner. This ex-con is on a mission from God to cut Osama bin Laden’s head off, having made six trips to Pakistan looking for him.  Initially I thought he was just a Coot, caught in the woods of Pakistan with among other things, night vision goggles, a sword, some christian texts and a small amount of hash. But the more I read, the more it sounds like he may not have been so crazy.

From The Denver Post:

With his long, bushy beard and passable language skills, Faulkner was able to get weapons and move around the countryside with relative ease, his brother said. It’s not surprising that he purchased a sword.

So in summation:

  • Night Vision Goggles
  • Swords
  • Disguises
  • Language Skills
  • Small Amounts of Hash

These are all reasons to include him on My Apocalypse Team.  Plus every group needs an older christian ex-con, to tell you stories from the 70’s while while teaching you how to make a rabbit snare.

Thanks Dangerous Minds.

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Got a minute and a half for a lesson on Extreetress Strials?

Posted in Comedy Gold, The World Is Effed by CMO on Thursday, June 17

On Travel: ‘I’m going on this trip… we’re going to like Arizona or something and figure something out.’

On Area 51: ‘Air Force One, where they found all that stuff…. I’ve got pictures of war. I’ve seen gravesites’

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Riding That Pony Solo

Posted in Kidz These Days, The Internet, The World Is Effed by CMO on Friday, June 11

These videos and more can be found at Dancing Alone to Pony, which as you can see, is people doing some solo grinding to Ginuwine’s 90’s club banger Pony.

Nevermind he’s in a kindergarten classroom at 4AM.

I’m still trying to find a way to sync up all the videos so they dance in unison.

DANCING ALONE TO PONY

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Angels with Milk Covered Faces

Posted in Kidz These Days, The Real World, The World Is Effed by CMO on Wednesday, April 21

Breast Milk Offends

A Billboard in Cleveland has caused quite a stir. Pictured above, it promotes breast feeding, depicting a satisfied baby with breast milk dribbling down it’s chin, with the headline, ‘Breast milk satisfies’.

Apparently, the offense lies not in the word ‘breast’ displayed or the inference that this cute little baby just got done breast feeding, but rather the picture of the breast milk on the baby’s face.

“When I first saw it I thought, you know, I agree with breast milk, it’s fine but then I saw it with the milk around its mouth and I though that was so unappealing. The baby’s cute, but I did not like the milk coming out of his mouth” said Stephanie Swan.

I think this is absolutely ridiculous, but who am I to say what people should and shouldn’t be offended by though? On the internet, no less.

Instead, I offer a rebuttal, in the form of a series of portraits by the Iranian born artist Ashkan Sahihi entitled CUM SERIES:

C

K

J

Seems to me, people have better things to be up in arms about than a little breast milk.

Ohio Billboard Promotes Breastfeeding, Offends Some

Ashkan Sahihi

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Conservatives, Where Do You Find This Stuff??

Posted in Kidz These Days, The Real World, The World Is Effed by CMO on Friday, February 12

Apparently, it’s illegal for gay couples to adopt children in Florida.

How is this possible?  I mean seriously, has Florida not seen ABC’s smash hit television show Modern Family? Not only are Mitchell and Cam fabulously gay, but they also have an adopted baby girl, Lily.

I watch that, and I think: They’re not so different. I’ve locked my keys in the car before TONS of times.

Point is, The Florida Family Policy Council of Orlando doesn’t want people to know that gays are people too. Well, normal people.

So when a judge ruled that a one year old child could be permanently adopted by his gay foster parents, the FFPCO sent out the following picture of said couple (on the left, with the actual couple on the right):

Before and After

From the article:

And to make their point about just how frightening this ruling was, the Policy Council included a photograph of the couple — a strange and androgynous-looking duo, one with bleached skin and both with mullet haircuts. The couple look so odd (you literally can’t tell whether they are male or female) that one might wonder how any judge could place a young child with such a disturbing-looking duo.

So instead of them being a normal, dare I say, beautiful lesbian couple, they have been transformed into some kind of mongoloid man-lady homunculus.  Insane, right?  The FCCPO had to have conjured this image themselves, because in my decades spent looking at ridiculous images on the internet, I have never seen such a stereotypically offensive photo, and  I’ve seen this:

Had Gay Dads.

And this:

Googled Woman With Mustache Smoking.

I’m not trying to say the women (?) portrayed in the picture aren’t people too.  The picture isn’t of two people. It’s imagery used out of context to evoke a specific reaction. Like I said before though, I wouldn’t be surprised if these two were actually members of the FFPOO, reprising their roles as Moe and Dale in their ‘Gay Is A Choice’ skit from the Annual Summer FFC3PO Summit on Lake Okefenokee.

Article: Religious Right Selfishly Turns Boy Into Pawn in Gay-Adoption Battle.

Walmart’s Got It All.

Posted in The Real World, The World Is Effed by CMO on Friday, February 12

This is footage of a man smashing 27 flat screen TV’s at a Walmart in Georgia with a baseball bat.

Where’d he get the baseball bat?  From the sporting goods department, duh!

Walmart truly is a One-Stop Crazy Person Having An Violent Impulse And Then Acting On It Place To Shop. I had a similar reaction a couple years ago: Christian at Walmart.

Now as funny as watching this man having his Falling Down moment is, I wish he’d been a little more creative in his execution.

Maybe say… smashing 27 flat screen TVs at Walmart by throwing Wii Remotes at them…

Or to emphasize his insanity he should have maybe pulled the Ol’ Forgotten Baseball Bat routine, ala Jam:

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Pretty, Pretty, Poltergeist: Girls and Ghosts.

Posted in Kidz These Days, The World Is Effed by CMO on Friday, February 5

I was cruising the Toys R’ Us website for The Storm Shadow G.I. Joe and Incredible Hulk Sound FX Hands, when I stumbled upon something very troubling. Apparently Hasbro made a Toys R’ Us exclusive Ouija board for girls aged 8+.

You Ouija, Girl!

From The Description:

It has always been mysterious. It has always been mystifying. And now the OUIJA Board is just for you, girl. With 72 fun questions included, you’ll never run out of things to ask. Who will call/text me next? Will I be a famous actor someday? Who wishes they could trade places with me?

Mysterious? Mystifying? You ask anybody who’s already superstitious and they’ll tell you about the time they were playing with their older cousin and asked ‘Who are we talking to?’ and the ouija board misspelled Beazulbub. Or when the board said it would kill them, and later they found scratches on their backs! Bad Juju.

Plus, isn’t this exactly how the Exorcist II started?

But seriously, with all the sexy tween Monster Squad dramatization zeitgeist swirling around us, I think Hasbro is positioning themselves for ‘Ouija Board: The Movie.’

Look to Girl-Ghost love movies of the 90’s: Ghost, Casper, and City of Angels. Oh yah, and what about Hollow Man? Well, technically it released in 2000, and didn’t feature a ghost but rather an invisible man. But it had a paranormal amount of invisible dude on woman action. You remember that? Scary, right?

Now imagine , a hunky shirtless ghost Taylor Lautner with his chiseled ghost abs haunting a 200 year old farmhouse in Alabama that Dakota Fanning’s movie family moves into.  After seeing him watching her from the attic while she does grave rubbings, their love affair starts when she figures out she can communicate with him through her Ouija board. Sexting ensues.

All Grown Up.

Mix that with the new clothing line Oh La La Cotoure fronted by  Noah Cyrus and BFF Emily Grace Reaves, and the only spirit girls worldwide will be able to summon is Gary Glitters’.

Update: Apparently, A ghost has abducted some little girls, and they’ve pulled the plug on the Pretty, Pretty, Poltergeist Ouija. There is now however a Glow In The Dark Ouija. I kind of want one now.

Growing Up On The Internet

Posted in The Internet, The World Is Effed by CMO on Tuesday, February 2

No kissing or yucky stuff.

Growing Up On The Internet is a compendium of Yahoo Answers of pre-adult questions. Scary and informative at the same time.  Let me rephrase that, Scary but informative.

A couple of my favorites include:

Is it worth spending 300 dollars on yugioh cards even though idk if will still be playin in 2 months?

Is masturbating uncool in society?

What should a 14-year-old wear going over to her boyfriend’s house?

My mum is not speaking to me and calls me a waste of her time!?

What do you think of those “artistic” girls?

Makes you want to have a buttload of kids, right?

preadult.tumblr.com

Meet Toyama Koichi.

Posted in The World Is Effed by CMO on Saturday, January 23

Go on, call him.

Meet Toyama Koichi, Tokyo’s most promising politician. He’s pretty much the Japanese Ron Paul.  Refreshing, brutally honest, utterly charismatic, bald.  And that turtleneck!  Don’t even get me started on the turtleneck.  It screams casual chaos.

Now I don’t get involved in politics much, if only because I feel hopelessly futile under the current system and that’s ultimately why this guy speaks to me.  He’s a realist, he sees things for what they are.  Then he rants in a staccato rage for a couple minutes, before coming to his glorious conclusion.

He's got a point

I highly recommend watching.

Toyama Koichi

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The World is Effed.

Posted in The World Is Effed by CMO on Friday, January 22

Apocalypse by Gabor Union

I don’t know if you know this, but the world as we know it is pretty effed.

Look around you:

You’re unemployed.

Your waking hours are spent reading blogs and cruising craiglist on your iphone leeching off your neighbors wi-fi.

You’ve adopted the style of the times: PoApoc Urbo Hiho, otherwise known as Post-Apocalyptic Urban-Bohemian Hipster-Hobo.  This isn’t out of luxury, but rather because it requires dressing in clothes you found on the street and allows you to wear your tattered bowler hat.

The Economy. Yech.

The Government. Oh Brother.

Glenn Beck.  Period.

In the past couple years though, I’ve started to pick up on more subtle things.  Things that scare me so much more than all the everyday craziness.  Something is trying to tell us something else.  I’ll say it again: Something is trying to tell us something else. What that is I haven’t figured out, but I invite you to follow me, and I gaurantee, we’ll get deep on some pretty serious mind-fucks.

Story one comes to us from rural Turkey, where a still-born sheep was found to have the face of a human.

The Lamb of God?

“I’ve seen mutations with cows and sheep before. I’ve seen a one-eyed calf, a two-headed calf, a five-legged calf. But when I saw this youngster I could not believe my eyes. His mother could not deliver him so I had to help the animal,” the 29-year-old veterinary said.

The lamb’s head had human features on – the eyes, the nose and the mouth – only the ears were those of a sheep.

Seriously.  I know that lonely shepherds will sometimes have relations with their flock,  but I’m still pretty sure it’s technically impossible for a man to impregnate a sheep and create a Shman. So either there was a love of that sheep that conquered inter-specieal procreation, or this is a sign of the coming apocolypse.  Either way, The World is Effed.

Article: Sheep Gives Birth to Human-Face Lamb in Turkey